( 'trusting someone doesn't have to come with perfection.' he'd like to believe such a thing is true. for xingchen, it is true - he trusts well beyond any reasonable amount, even now it's in his nature, because he has been burned terribly by trust and he has been alone and he finds that he strongly prefers the former.
but the nature of that trust is hardly universal, and he certainly doesn't expect it to be. honestly, such is the way that things have always been. his aid and his warmth and his patience, unconditional - but any esteem he held would be ash to the wind the moment he proved anything less than infallible. because they were people, and people make mistakes. and xingchen was a daozhang, and daozhangs aren't quite afforded that luxury.
and perhaps he has begun to figure out how to be a person here, as well - but the concept that he might retain any shred of trust after failing so terribly just isn't quite something that xingchen can reconcile. it doesn't mean they'll disown him, they might very well continue to enjoy his company, but now they'll almost certainly think twice about asking him for aid or taking him at his word - or at least, jiang wanyin almost certainly will. runyu...
xingchen isn't quite ready to allow himself to hope.
especially when he's drawn abruptly from his thoughts by something different altogether - 'in battles where you don't know who is friend or foe'. though his gait doesn't falter, xingchen swallows away the constriction threatening to tighten his throat, drawing and letting out a slow breath. ) I may not know war, ( he says, ) But those such battles are quite a bit more familiar.
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but the nature of that trust is hardly universal, and he certainly doesn't expect it to be. honestly, such is the way that things have always been. his aid and his warmth and his patience, unconditional - but any esteem he held would be ash to the wind the moment he proved anything less than infallible. because they were people, and people make mistakes. and xingchen was a daozhang, and daozhangs aren't quite afforded that luxury.
and perhaps he has begun to figure out how to be a person here, as well - but the concept that he might retain any shred of trust after failing so terribly just isn't quite something that xingchen can reconcile. it doesn't mean they'll disown him, they might very well continue to enjoy his company, but now they'll almost certainly think twice about asking him for aid or taking him at his word - or at least, jiang wanyin almost certainly will. runyu...
xingchen isn't quite ready to allow himself to hope.
especially when he's drawn abruptly from his thoughts by something different altogether - 'in battles where you don't know who is friend or foe'. though his gait doesn't falter, xingchen swallows away the constriction threatening to tighten his throat, drawing and letting out a slow breath. ) I may not know war, ( he says, ) But those such battles are quite a bit more familiar.