daozhangs | ic inbox, ryslig.

( ah. he knows about the death. xingchen's mind reels for some means by which to deny it, but dishonesty doesn't suit him even in such circumstances. )

It can't be.

( it comes too quickly, just as quickly as the last. )

Do you ever think back and wonder when it was that you stopped being who you once were?

I once could've trusted myself to protect those I care about.

( but in the heavy pause which follows comes a sharp sort of regret. he shouldn't have said that. shouldn't have burdened runyu with this on top of allowing him to be killed. )

Forgive me. This isn't your burden to bear. Please don't worry for me.

You are not alone in asking that question. Or both questions. Although perhaps it was never my place to protect anyone without repercussions.

[ There is another pause. ]

I am in a dead forest. I have not been here before.

( even after he's offered an out, xingchen turns the first segment over in his mind. he should say something, he knows as much - something kind and reassuring. but what comes out instead is, )

Perhaps we have more in common than ever I've realized.

( 'perhaps it was never my place to protect anyone without repercussions.' runyu may as well have stolen the words from the core of the pressure squeezing at xingchen's chest, from the lurching knot in his stomach. but not just there - it's a truth that has echoed through him since he first arrived here, his proper death stolen away from him.

and yet he tried regardless, because he is a fool. and because the alternative is to simply give up, here in a place in which ending things isn't even a viable option as it had been in his own realm. and because he doesn't know if he can ever be a person who gives anything short of his all to try to preserve that which is precious to him, even knowing that doing so dooms that very thing. )

I think I know of the place. If you're able, try to make your way southeast.

I'll be there when I can.

( even as a cold lick of desperate helplessness flickers through him, bubbling up as a cough-laugh that isn't even properly funny, because he truly is a fool, isn't he? wasn't he just considering the harm his offered help tends to do? and yet here he goes, pulling together a bag of clothing and food and clean bottled water. a passing thought toward the tea he's just brewed has him pouring that carefully into a thermos, which he seals up tightly and slips into the backpack as well.

then he returns to the laptop one final time, in case runyu has responded. )

Thank you for the directions. I was going in the wrong direction.

[ Runyu does indeed pause and try to orientate himself once more before setting off in a different direction, although figuring that out in a forest where everything seems to move around him is troublesome. He doesn't travel far, however, before stopping and pulling out his laptop once more, his mind still on the words he let free a few minutes ago and his friend's response. There is still much he could say, but how much of it will be helpful and how much would further harm his friend? ]

We are housemates and friends. I don’t think it’s too much to presume to worry about you. And if we do share this much in common, I do wish to say that you did enough in this situation. All that you could, in fact. The blizzard was a danger to you and you still ventured forth for your companions and the good of all. What more should be expected from you?

[ Runyu frowns at the laptop, not satisfied with that response but feeling limited in reaching out more when he cannot see his friend's state. Hopefully, it will aid more than harm until they meet again. ]

Edited 2021-01-28 00:40 (UTC)

( xingchen had quite nearly failed to bring his laptop along. only once he reached the door did he pause, reconsider, shift back long enough to utilize actual hands to put his laptop in his bag as well. because what if something goes awry and runyu encounters trouble? what if he finds himself more lost than he began? the ability to let xingchen know as much seems only practical.

what comes instead is neither such thing. instead, it's one more attempt to absolve him. what more should be expected from him?

success.

and he nearly says as much, but he doesn't quite have it in him to fight back against this. he has already declared that this isn't runyu's burden to bear, and he won't make it so simply because they disagree. in fact, no answer comes at all until he's stepped in past the dead forest's treeline, if only to find a private place to shift back and put on the clothes he's brought along with him. once he does, )

I've arrived.

You passed by where I stand not long ago - the scent is perhaps a half-hour old. If you wait for me where you are, I should be able to find you.

( it doesn't surprise him, that runyu may have passed by without realizing quite how close he lingered to the edge of the woods. were xingchen relying on sight to navigate, he himself would almost certainly have done the same. this forest is.... odd, in a way that he can't quite put a finger on. different from how one expects a forest to be, beyond simply the presence of death. )

Edited 2021-01-28 01:34 (UTC)

[ Runyu hears the soft beep of a message coming in and retrieves his laptop. Xingchen’s response is short and focuses on the immediate situation, not on the reassurances Runyu left behind on the laptop last. Runyu frowns momentarily before he sets aside his criticism. Perhaps his words are too much when said in a vacuum of space, but in spite of his friend not mentioning them, Runyu doesn’t regret saying them. Smiling again, Runyu closes the laptop and returns it to its case, willing to wait before pushing further on the matter.

It’s something he’s more than accustomed to.

Before closing the computer, he leaves a short message in case Xingchen is looking for one. ]

I will stay here then. It’s easier than walking in another circle here. Please take to not get lost.

( the message is appreciated, if only to know that his own was received. he offers no response of his own, reserving his focus for pinpointing the ambient 'runyu' scent down to a proper path, a direction in which he headed. it doesn't take long, even with what remains of the snow (snow doesn't retain scent quite the same way that most other things do), and he's off through the forest to find where the man has settled.

about twenty-five minutes after his latest message, runyu can likely spot him making his steady way through the trees, the white of his robes in stark contrast with the earthy forest tones around him. he remains in his night form, of course - they've revived with the fog, and he's stuck in this form for a good few days more - but he hasn't bothered to disguise as much by drawing his hood up to cover his ears. perhaps if he were in bavan, but it hardly matters out here in the woods. )

Runyu, ( he greets once he's within speaking distance, shrugging the bag from his shoulder to draw out the thermos of hot tea and offer it out. though the temperature isn't nearly so cold as it was during the inclement weather, he recalls runyu mentioning being unused to winter, so it seems most pressing. ) I've brought food as well, if you hunger.

Thank you.

[ Runyu smiles at the care Xingchen has taken in coming here and folds his arms before him, bowing in gratitude before moving to take the thermos. His hands cradle the warm container. Truthfully, the cold has always been there in the back of his mind before this, but if he has been shivering, Runyu has not noticed. The chill of his sins and the frost of the environment are the same. Of comparable pressure against his lungs and and similar bite to his mind when in the oblivion of torment he’s believed himself sent to until realizing his actual place of revival. The icy fog and ominous guilt still have a grip on him in spite of his attempt to circumvent them for his friend’s sake, too.

Sighing, Runyu unscrews the top to take a long full drink of the tea given. He close his eyes, absorbing the heat there and the care it symbolizes. The hope of another chance. Further grounding himself.

He doesn’t speak again until after, examining his friend for any outward signs of distress, if Xingchen displays anything. Beyond courtesy.

In the end, he focuses on the indirect question put to himself.]

I’ll have some food, too, although my hunger is still slight.

[ It often takes some time for hunger to reach him when in deep thought or reflection, even more so when the regret in him is so fresh. ]

( were xingchen able to see the bow, he'd most certainly deny any need for it - but the 'thank you', he can accept. he does so with a quiet, ) Of course, ( because how could he not have? he knows the fatigue of revival, very much still feeling that same fatigue himself - and he knows that runyu still doesn't fare well in the cold. to come fetch him without bringing some manner of warmth would be nearly so unacceptable as failing to come in the first place.

as for outward signs of distress, xingchen is fairly diligent in masking his own, but by necessity his efforts focus more on the distress which churns in his stomach and tightens his chest - so while his emotional affect seems fairly steady, a hint of fatigue blankets his movements in a way that one can't quite put a finger on. his hair isn't tied back quite so neatly as runyu has likely come to expect. his tails, the four which accompany his night form, are conspicuously still - as new as they are to him still, xingchen hasn't had nearly the practice in making such a thing seem natural as he has with his general demeanor.

and if runyu's fingers happen to brush his in the passing of tea or of food, he'll find that they're much too cold. colder than the rest of xingchen seems. a fading echo, perhaps, of xingchen's own death.

'i'll have some food, too, although my hunger is slight.' that's entirely alright - xingchen expected it to be. his own hunger is nonexistent, looping around to something closer to nausea, but runyu (as far as he's aware) still relies on proper food for the time being. so he acknowledges the request with a hum, reaching back into the bag to draw out a few small items. a sleeve of 'garden herb' flavored crackers, a bag with three soft cookies, and a bagged 'sandwich' consisting entirely of bread and the jam which they've found they both like. ) Meagre offerings, I know, ( he says, offering them out for runyu to choose from regardless, ) I admit that I was in somewhat of a hurry to leave.

[ Runyu’s fingers don’t brush against Xingchen’s fingers when he passes the thermos of tea, but when he Runyu takes the crackers, it’s different. Runyu freezes momentarily at the chill in his friend’s fingers and his lips thin in inner condemnation at the reminder of the ending he experienced. Resisting the urge to cover them and attempt to warm them, Runyu steps back with the sleeve in hand and places a hand over his mouth. ]

There’s… no need to apologize for that.

[ He murmurs, trying to keep his discomfort hidden with a display of courtesy. Coward, his brain tells him, retreating again when his mistake stands before him. He closes his eyes and opens the sleeve, biting into a cracker. After a few moments, he extends the thermos. ]

My friend, you also should take a drink.

Share the faint warmth.

( only once runyu freezes mid-reach does xingchen realize his mistake, withdrawing his hand a bit more quickly and curling his fingers up into his billowing sleeve, lips pressed together a moment in wordless apology. it can't be pleasant, to be trapped out here in such unfavorable weather and then be met with further chill where one should reasonably expect warmth. xingchen will be more careful with such accidental touch until his body recalls how to properly warm itself.

when the thermos is offered, he accepts it. though he's not yet in a place where his stomach is prepared to receive much food or drink, tea is relatively inoffensive and perhaps it will ease some of runyu's worry - and so he takes a drink, appreciative of the warmth at the very least. and he makes to hand it back, but ah, it takes two hands to unsleeve and consume the crackers, doesn't it? so he'll hold onto it for now, following the tether to the thermos cap and sealing the heat inside. )

I can begin to lead us back, if you're ready.

[ Runyu gives a small hum of his own in acknowledgement. There is not much more he can say at this point. His throat is tight, clogged up with words he could say if he were stronger. If he could put aside his guilt as completely as his friend has asked him before. But he cannot. Clinging onto those sins is easier. It tears him up inside but it’s what he understands.

He focuses on a few bites of food before making another reply.

There’s no hurry on my part, but if you aren’t tired, we can leave.

( something has shifted, xingchen realizes now. he's not quite sure when it happened, but the air between them is heavier now than it was when he arrived. is it something he's said? or perhaps something he hasn't said - runyu went through the effort of trying to reassure him, and all he received in response was a terribly discourteous silence. but now doesn't seem like the time to address it, and even if it were, xingchen isn't at all sure how to do so without sounding as though he's dismissing it. he's not inclined to dig such a thing back up just to agree to disagree on the matter. especially when he isn't even certain that's what weighs on runyu's mind.

the words earn the slight curve of his lips in reassurance, a gentle shake of his head. ) I can rest well enough once we're home by the fire. ( and he turns now, pausing in what seems like consideration (in truth, he's locating the scent-trail to follow). then, shouldering his bag and beginning off in the correct direction, ) This way. ( oh, but - ) Do let me know when you'd like more tea.

I will.

[ Saying no more, Runyu falls in step with Xingchen, chewing on a few more crackers before placing the sleeve in his robe. It is all he can eat at the moment and it's distracting him from more important matters. He lifts his eyes to his friend's back, rubbing at his cold fingers.

Then he looks away, clenching his hands.

He really doesn't deserve another chance if I can't even face his mistakes. Sighing, he calls out to Xingchen again. ]

I'll take the thermos again.

[ Perhaps the warmth will make a difference. ]

( a silence falls between them as they walk, but it isn't quite the comfortable sort which xingchen has gotten accustomed to. whatever it is that occupies his friend, it does so strongly enough that xingchen can feel (or at least imagines that he can feel) the tension of it pressing light but present against his back.

then that silence is broken, but only by way of requesting the thermos. he slows long enough to turn and offer it with another faint smile, sleeve tucked around his cold fingers this time, before continuing along the path again - but he can't quite shake the inexplicable urge to say something more, if only to keep that brooding quiet from settling over them again.

it takes a few more steps for him to reach a decision on how to do so, but then, ) I haven't yet thanked you. ( it's quiet, but certainly still loud enough for runyu to hear over the soft sounds of their footsteps. ) You had more than enough to trouble you, lost in these strange woods, but you took the time to to reassure me. It was discourteous of me not to reply. I should have at least told you that the sentiment was appreciated. ( because it was, whether or not he agreed with it. )

[ Runyu peers at the back of his friend before glancing down, a small smile escaping in spite of the turmoil in his heart. There is a pattern that he can follow in his friend’s words which can ground him and stall the fear that is so deeply engraved inside him. Perhaps, perhaps, it will be enough. ]

I am glad that my sentiment was received in some manner, although I hardly said anything special. I merely extended the same courtesy you did me.

[ He pauses, throat working around the clot of words in his mind that borders on the truth he has not revealed much of yet. His voice wavers but continues. ]

All wars. . . cannot be won without a price and the price may be more than you should pay. If I am not allowed my guilt for not being strong enough . . . you shouldn’t feel guilt for failing.

( at first his words earn a courtesy, a deflection of sorts - but xingchen knows quite well that it isn't over. there was once a time when runyu would have hesitated to say anything further, but they're quite a bit beyond that now, somewhere in the realm of familiarity between 'runyu doesn't dare risk pressing his luck (even though xingchen has thus far been impossible to offend)' and 'runyu finally presumes to put words to the questions on his mind'.

which today in particular means they're to discuss the cost of war. xingchen has never experienced war, not firsthand. by the time the war - the sunshot campaign, he believed he heard it called - was sweeping the land, he had already lost zichen and lost his sight and the concept of joining the battle was even less palatable than before. for a time, though, he followed behind the tide of war entirely by accident, passing through towns and villages where battles had bloodied the landscape. he tended the injured then, albeit with less finesse than he had prior to losing his sight. in one village, he even lingered for a number of days - the battle had swept through the fields which grew most of the village's crops, setting them up properly to starve before winter was halfway through. he'd asked them, had the sects who fought on their fields offered aid? offered coin at the very least? but it hadn't been so. protection from demonic cultivation, that was all they claimed to offer, and the villagers felt quite lucky they weren't expected to pay the cultivators.

that is war as xingchen knows it. something which devastates all that it touches, but has never properly extracted a toll from xingchen himself. so he can't entirely relate to winning them with or without a price. he isn't even sure which war this incident was a part of - the war with the fog god? it hadn't seemed like one. such a thing implies a battle between two sides, not one side being caged and murdered.

but that's fine. that's hardly the part of runyu's words which calls for response - it's the latter part, the part about guilt. and after a few more steps of quiet consideration, ) I can't honestly speak to war, as I've not yet experienced it. Within my own realm, I was what's known as a 'daozhang' - put simply, a daozhang travels the land outside of the trappings of politics, lending aid against monsters and spirits, tending to wounds, performing rites, whatever job it is that needs done. A daozhang accepts no coin for his aid. No coin is needed when one lives simply enough.

( this already paints the picture of a somewhat different xiao xingchen than the one runyu has come to know - a product of his time in yi city, of how that ended, and ultimately of shedding the title of 'daozhang' altogether upon arriving here. as for why such a thing is relevant... )

Before arriving here, I'd been a daozhang for ten years - and my upbringing before that was, if you'll believe it, even more ascetic. I suppose it's safe to say that before I arrived here, such was all that I'd ever truly known.

( a pause, and when he continues, his words are the slightest bit slower - he's deciding what it is that he plans to say as he goes along, but he's doing so carefully. ) Say that I allow you to absolve me of my guilt today - what then? If I'm no longer a man whom others can trust to assist in peril, a man whose word is kept regardless of circumstance, then I've allowed this place to strip away the only parts of me which I still had some manner of faith in.

( it's honest, too honest. if he's not allowed to atone for allowing runyu to die, then laying such a thing bare is the very least he can offer. )

Edited 2021-02-04 09:18 (UTC)

[ Runyu listens carefully to the description of the life Xingchen has led before arriving in Ryslig, his interest shifting into a a familiar path to combat his own emotions. In the past, Runyu has often retreated from more personal attacks by turning those into academic debates, and Xingchen’s question leaves him the same option. Even if the details prove that his friend has led a very different life from his own, his manner of life still leaves room for interpretation. It’s is reassuring step to take, but the irony of using it for the sake of another is not lost on him either.

There’s a hint of fading amusement underneath his gentle tone. ]

I am not asking you to change who you are, my friend — I am in no position to ask or demand that from you — but trusting someone doesn’t have to come with perfection. Even a sage that has become immortal can make mistakes and they can recover from it. I only ask that you don’t condemn yourself for that failing when it already cost you so much.

[ He hesitates there before adding. ]

You haven’t experienced war which is fortunate, but in battles where you don’t know who is friend and foe… ( Runyu inhales. ) Sometimes failing can be a mercy.

[ Instead of attacking his friends. ]

Edited 2021-02-04 09:28 (UTC)

( 'trusting someone doesn't have to come with perfection.' he'd like to believe such a thing is true. for xingchen, it is true - he trusts well beyond any reasonable amount, even now it's in his nature, because he has been burned terribly by trust and he has been alone and he finds that he strongly prefers the former.

but the nature of that trust is hardly universal, and he certainly doesn't expect it to be. honestly, such is the way that things have always been. his aid and his warmth and his patience, unconditional - but any esteem he held would be ash to the wind the moment he proved anything less than infallible. because they were people, and people make mistakes. and xingchen was a daozhang, and daozhangs aren't quite afforded that luxury.

and perhaps he has begun to figure out how to be a person here, as well - but the concept that he might retain any shred of trust after failing so terribly just isn't quite something that xingchen can reconcile. it doesn't mean they'll disown him, they might very well continue to enjoy his company, but now they'll almost certainly think twice about asking him for aid or taking him at his word - or at least, jiang wanyin almost certainly will. runyu...

xingchen isn't quite ready to allow himself to hope.

especially when he's drawn abruptly from his thoughts by something different altogether - 'in battles where you don't know who is friend or foe'. though his gait doesn't falter, xingchen swallows away the constriction threatening to tighten his throat, drawing and letting out a slow breath. ) I may not know war, ( he says, ) But those such battles are quite a bit more familiar.

[ It is Runyu’s turn to be aware that there is an intense air around his friend even if he does not understand the full extent of it. And it is not only the differences in their lifestyle that creates that difference. Trust on such a profound level is something Runyu has never allowed anyone. If he had, maybe he would have reached out to Xufeng or Jinmi in a more earnest manner before it had been too late. Maybe he could have seen Kuanglu’s support more clearly. And most importantly, maybe he would have refused the Empress’ pill of forgetting and never have lost that connection with his mother. But in a world that has only given him more pain, and where his attempts to control it result in destruction, trust, belief in another is a luxury he couldn’t afford. It could disappear at any time.

Even if that person had been innocent.

Runyu’s throat closes as his words bring a reaction to Xingchen. It may only be an inhaled breath but to someone who knows his own withdrawn emotions intimately, it is enough. He does not want to bring pain to Xingchen, even if that is all he has been able to do with others in the past. But it is too late to take the words back.

He can only hope to soften the blow somehow by taking the brunt of the attack on himself. ]

They’re familiar to me as well, and the cost of those battles can be infinitely worse than failure.

[ He halts, falling silent as the image of his mother falling before swamps him, drying his throat. That tragedy had been both, and he doesn’t know which had been worse. Which had doomed him. He takes a sip of tea, trying to coax warmth into him.

Perhaps he’s wrong in his attempt to repair the wounds here, but he does not want Xingchen to fall in a state as he had. ]

The battle at the lodge took much from all involved. Don’t let it condemn you.

( what runyu says is quite true. the cost of such battles (whether literal battles or metaphorical ones) can grow quite high, unfathomably high - often before one even recognizes there's a cost to be paid at all. such is the nature of situations where friend and foe aren't so clearly defined. all seems to be well, until the devastating moment in which you realize it isn't.

when the sound of footsteps behind him slows to a stop, xingchen does so as well, turning to 'look' at his friend in unspoken question. it's just in time for the words that follow, no different in content from that which has been said before, but with a new sort of weight to them. a weight that makes them quite a bit harder to deflect, so after a pause which spans the length of another (slightly less obvious) breath, he nods. )

Thank you. ( and that, too, is weightier than the last time he said it. there's quite a bit more to thank him for, now. his lips curl into a smile now, brief but warm. ) I'll keep your words in mind. ( he can't promise that he won't let it condemn him - in truth, xingchen has quite a bit less control over his thoughts and feelings than he did before he died and arrived here. he hasn't yet figured out how much of that fractured discipline is a result of that which led to his death and how much is a facet of his monstrosity (the reoccurring theme of dissonant duality within the life of a werecreature isn't lost on him), but it doesn't much matter in practice. all it means is that the best he can properly offer runyu at the moment is to try his best.

after a moment, his weight shifts back in the direction they were heading, a 'shall we keep going?' ) We've nearly reached the edge of the woods. It's quite sunny today - you'll be rid of the forest's chill rather quickly.

[ With a small breath, Runyu’s smile follows Xingchen’s and he sets aside his fears to follow more closely. He doesn’t know if his friend has forgiven himself, but the brief interlude is enough to release the pressure from his chest. A quiet laughter filled with palpable relief escapes him when his friend comments again about the cold on his behalf. ]

Thank you, but your tea has already assisted with that dilemma.

[ He strides over to stand by his side, tilting his head up to look up at the sky ahead. It’s been a while since he has greeted the day like this, paying attention to its warmth and the symbolic hope of its presence. He lifts up the thermos, taking another drink of lukewarm tea.

Another wry smile escapes him. ]

Its chill passes quickly in the right company as well.

[ He moves out into the open before his friend can respond, not sure why the weight of his sins seems lesser at the moment but not attempting to fight that change either. He doesn't know how long the reprieve will last. Or if it's from a accomplishing a good deed or something he doesn't understand well.]

( no, xingchen hasn't quite forgiven himself. such a thing is rooted much deeper within him than even he realizes, and extricating it is a process which will take time and a degree of diligence he simply doesn't have in him at this particular juncture.

but even still, runyu has helped. a balm to the places in which the last few days have left him raw, warming him (even if not his hands just yet), softening the edges so that all of it somehow seems palatable for the first time since he awoke reborn in the snow. and his friend continues to help in little ways without even intending it - like the laugh, which draws out another smile nearly as soon as the last one faded. But the laugh was too contagious and the smile betrays a bit too much quiet delight, so by reflex he's lifting a hand to hide most of it behind his sleeve for a moment until he's able to temper it properly.

now they stand side by side at the fading edge of the lifeless forest, and it feels (perhaps foolishly) not unlike they're leaving the heaviest pieces of what has occurred amongst the trees in their wake. where they belong, decay with decay.

'its chill passes quickly in the right company, as well.' and runyu is gone without leaving him time for response, setting off once again. that suits xingchen well enough - they should keep moving, all the sooner to get home. he himself sets off a couple of moments later, the unwieldy limbs beneath his robes proving quite handy in catching up. when he pulls up beside the man, it's very nearly shoulder-to-shoulder. explained, perhaps, by the quiet reach to reclaim the tea for a sip of his own, but even once he's handed it back he doesn't seem terribly fussed to distance himself any further. )

[ Runyu doesn't reclaim the distance between them either. It feel unnecessary at this point. Even if he hasn’t voiced much of his sins to Xingchen, what he has voiced hasn’t changed how his friend treats him, the attention to the small details he’s revealed or the patience with his adapting to this world and the changes. They’re small things, but seemingly enough to keep the darkness inside him at bay. He’s given enough, and there’s not much Runyu can offer in return besides a modicum of fellowship.

He doesn’t know much else.

He glances to his companion, realizing as if for the first time that his hood is down in public. Idle curiosity strikes him. ]

Forgive me if this is a rude question, but do your ears get too warm?

( the question has his brow knitting faintly, but already he's pressing his lips together to dampen the flicker of humor curling them at the corners yet again. this is the first that runyu has seen him out and about in this form without the hood, isn't it? in truth, the thought hadn't quite crossed his mind - but the fact that he skirted around most traces of civilization made wearing it largely unnecessary. all of which means that runyu's sharp mind settling on 'ears too warm' as his definitive theory is all the more amusing (and also a little bit endearing).

a couple of steps pass in silent deliberation, weighing the moment at hand and how fragile it may or may not be. then, in a tone which hides his mirth even more poorly than his attempt not to smile, ) Three months of unnecessary courtesy thwarted by ten seconds of curiosity about my ears. ( how many questions now has runyu swallowed down because they might be rude? far more than xingchen is aware of, quite surely, but even he has noticed a number of such occasions.

but it wouldn't be fair just to tease him. xingchen shakes his head a little. ) It wasn't rude, ( he assures. ) And they do at times, but only in the warmer months.

ic inbox, ryslig.

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