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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, XIAO.XINGCHEN. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 018.07.154.55 * XIAO.XINGCHEN has joined 018.07.154.55 <XIAO.XINGCHEN> You have reached Xiao Xingchen. <XIAO.XINGCHEN>** I am often away from my laptop, but I will do my best to answer as soon as I'm able.

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( 'trusting someone doesn't have to come with perfection.' he'd like to believe such a thing is true. for xingchen, it is true - he trusts well beyond any reasonable amount, even now it's in his nature, because he has been burned terribly by trust and he has been alone and he finds that he strongly prefers the former.

but the nature of that trust is hardly universal, and he certainly doesn't expect it to be. honestly, such is the way that things have always been. his aid and his warmth and his patience, unconditional - but any esteem he held would be ash to the wind the moment he proved anything less than infallible. because they were people, and people make mistakes. and xingchen was a daozhang, and daozhangs aren't quite afforded that luxury.

and perhaps he has begun to figure out how to be a person here, as well - but the concept that he might retain any shred of trust after failing so terribly just isn't quite something that xingchen can reconcile. it doesn't mean they'll disown him, they might very well continue to enjoy his company, but now they'll almost certainly think twice about asking him for aid or taking him at his word - or at least, jiang wanyin almost certainly will. runyu...

xingchen isn't quite ready to allow himself to hope.

especially when he's drawn abruptly from his thoughts by something different altogether - 'in battles where you don't know who is friend or foe'. though his gait doesn't falter, xingchen swallows away the constriction threatening to tighten his throat, drawing and letting out a slow breath. ) I may not know war, ( he says, ) But those such battles are quite a bit more familiar.

[ It is Runyu’s turn to be aware that there is an intense air around his friend even if he does not understand the full extent of it. And it is not only the differences in their lifestyle that creates that difference. Trust on such a profound level is something Runyu has never allowed anyone. If he had, maybe he would have reached out to Xufeng or Jinmi in a more earnest manner before it had been too late. Maybe he could have seen Kuanglu’s support more clearly. And most importantly, maybe he would have refused the Empress’ pill of forgetting and never have lost that connection with his mother. But in a world that has only given him more pain, and where his attempts to control it result in destruction, trust, belief in another is a luxury he couldn’t afford. It could disappear at any time.

Even if that person had been innocent.

Runyu’s throat closes as his words bring a reaction to Xingchen. It may only be an inhaled breath but to someone who knows his own withdrawn emotions intimately, it is enough. He does not want to bring pain to Xingchen, even if that is all he has been able to do with others in the past. But it is too late to take the words back.

He can only hope to soften the blow somehow by taking the brunt of the attack on himself. ]

They’re familiar to me as well, and the cost of those battles can be infinitely worse than failure.

[ He halts, falling silent as the image of his mother falling before swamps him, drying his throat. That tragedy had been both, and he doesn’t know which had been worse. Which had doomed him. He takes a sip of tea, trying to coax warmth into him.

Perhaps he’s wrong in his attempt to repair the wounds here, but he does not want Xingchen to fall in a state as he had. ]

The battle at the lodge took much from all involved. Don’t let it condemn you.

( what runyu says is quite true. the cost of such battles (whether literal battles or metaphorical ones) can grow quite high, unfathomably high - often before one even recognizes there's a cost to be paid at all. such is the nature of situations where friend and foe aren't so clearly defined. all seems to be well, until the devastating moment in which you realize it isn't.

when the sound of footsteps behind him slows to a stop, xingchen does so as well, turning to 'look' at his friend in unspoken question. it's just in time for the words that follow, no different in content from that which has been said before, but with a new sort of weight to them. a weight that makes them quite a bit harder to deflect, so after a pause which spans the length of another (slightly less obvious) breath, he nods. )

Thank you. ( and that, too, is weightier than the last time he said it. there's quite a bit more to thank him for, now. his lips curl into a smile now, brief but warm. ) I'll keep your words in mind. ( he can't promise that he won't let it condemn him - in truth, xingchen has quite a bit less control over his thoughts and feelings than he did before he died and arrived here. he hasn't yet figured out how much of that fractured discipline is a result of that which led to his death and how much is a facet of his monstrosity (the reoccurring theme of dissonant duality within the life of a werecreature isn't lost on him), but it doesn't much matter in practice. all it means is that the best he can properly offer runyu at the moment is to try his best.

after a moment, his weight shifts back in the direction they were heading, a 'shall we keep going?' ) We've nearly reached the edge of the woods. It's quite sunny today - you'll be rid of the forest's chill rather quickly.

[ With a small breath, Runyu’s smile follows Xingchen’s and he sets aside his fears to follow more closely. He doesn’t know if his friend has forgiven himself, but the brief interlude is enough to release the pressure from his chest. A quiet laughter filled with palpable relief escapes him when his friend comments again about the cold on his behalf. ]

Thank you, but your tea has already assisted with that dilemma.

[ He strides over to stand by his side, tilting his head up to look up at the sky ahead. It’s been a while since he has greeted the day like this, paying attention to its warmth and the symbolic hope of its presence. He lifts up the thermos, taking another drink of lukewarm tea.

Another wry smile escapes him. ]

Its chill passes quickly in the right company as well.

[ He moves out into the open before his friend can respond, not sure why the weight of his sins seems lesser at the moment but not attempting to fight that change either. He doesn't know how long the reprieve will last. Or if it's from a accomplishing a good deed or something he doesn't understand well.]

( no, xingchen hasn't quite forgiven himself. such a thing is rooted much deeper within him than even he realizes, and extricating it is a process which will take time and a degree of diligence he simply doesn't have in him at this particular juncture.

but even still, runyu has helped. a balm to the places in which the last few days have left him raw, warming him (even if not his hands just yet), softening the edges so that all of it somehow seems palatable for the first time since he awoke reborn in the snow. and his friend continues to help in little ways without even intending it - like the laugh, which draws out another smile nearly as soon as the last one faded. But the laugh was too contagious and the smile betrays a bit too much quiet delight, so by reflex he's lifting a hand to hide most of it behind his sleeve for a moment until he's able to temper it properly.

now they stand side by side at the fading edge of the lifeless forest, and it feels (perhaps foolishly) not unlike they're leaving the heaviest pieces of what has occurred amongst the trees in their wake. where they belong, decay with decay.

'its chill passes quickly in the right company, as well.' and runyu is gone without leaving him time for response, setting off once again. that suits xingchen well enough - they should keep moving, all the sooner to get home. he himself sets off a couple of moments later, the unwieldy limbs beneath his robes proving quite handy in catching up. when he pulls up beside the man, it's very nearly shoulder-to-shoulder. explained, perhaps, by the quiet reach to reclaim the tea for a sip of his own, but even once he's handed it back he doesn't seem terribly fussed to distance himself any further. )

[ Runyu doesn't reclaim the distance between them either. It feel unnecessary at this point. Even if he hasn’t voiced much of his sins to Xingchen, what he has voiced hasn’t changed how his friend treats him, the attention to the small details he’s revealed or the patience with his adapting to this world and the changes. They’re small things, but seemingly enough to keep the darkness inside him at bay. He’s given enough, and there’s not much Runyu can offer in return besides a modicum of fellowship.

He doesn’t know much else.

He glances to his companion, realizing as if for the first time that his hood is down in public. Idle curiosity strikes him. ]

Forgive me if this is a rude question, but do your ears get too warm?

( the question has his brow knitting faintly, but already he's pressing his lips together to dampen the flicker of humor curling them at the corners yet again. this is the first that runyu has seen him out and about in this form without the hood, isn't it? in truth, the thought hadn't quite crossed his mind - but the fact that he skirted around most traces of civilization made wearing it largely unnecessary. all of which means that runyu's sharp mind settling on 'ears too warm' as his definitive theory is all the more amusing (and also a little bit endearing).

a couple of steps pass in silent deliberation, weighing the moment at hand and how fragile it may or may not be. then, in a tone which hides his mirth even more poorly than his attempt not to smile, ) Three months of unnecessary courtesy thwarted by ten seconds of curiosity about my ears. ( how many questions now has runyu swallowed down because they might be rude? far more than xingchen is aware of, quite surely, but even he has noticed a number of such occasions.

but it wouldn't be fair just to tease him. xingchen shakes his head a little. ) It wasn't rude, ( he assures. ) And they do at times, but only in the warmer months.

[ Runyu’s steps falter and he clears his throat, before failing at controlling his own amusement. A laugh escapes him and he covers it behind a hand as he starts to walk again. He keeps silent, throat working to contain his mirth, for a few minutes before lowering the hand again.

His voice is calm and even again. ]

I didn’t know that it was unnecessary and it never seemed the correct timing to discuss your changes.

( oh, but runyu's flustered laughter just makes it all the better. his second laugh in as many minutes, which is an accomplishment that xingchen would likely take quite a bit of pride in (at least quietly to himself) if he were any more predisposed toward pride as a concept. instead, it simply pleases him. warms him, as an unexpected number of things have done throughout their journey thus far.

the explanation earns a hum, understanding, because he does understand. it's not as if he hasn't shared in such courtesy, failing to pry any deeper than that which runyu has offered him willingly. but, ) I keep no secrets, and I like to think that I'm quite difficult to perturb or offend. There is nothing you might ask of me that I'd be reluctant to answer for any reason but to keep from laying such heavy things upon your shoulders.

I find that most who ask tend to regret it quite a bit more than I do. ( though his expression is still light enough, a note of gravity creeps into his tone with that last bit, because it won't do to dismiss runyu's need for courtesy if he hasn't also warned him as such. questions about his changes are at least somewhat harmless (depending on one's tolerance for the unpleasant things a monstrous body can do), but vast plains of territory remain thus far unquestioned beyond it and very few of those are pleasant. )

Somehow I don’t think that will be a problem for us. ( Runyu’s voice is low but can still be heard nonetheless. ) At least with regretting the answers.

[ Runyu ducks his head before taking a few quick strides ahead, stopping in a patch of the sunlight. He takes a deep breath, steeling himself.

Even if this is a small thing, it’s still difficult. ]

You already shared something about your life. It seems only fair that I share some of mine. . . ( He glances behind him towards Xingchen. ) Although I am not sure it matters much. Unlike you, my friend, I may have had a path, but what I was on it was never clear. Was I a fish or a dragon? A prince or another servant? I wanted to become a fish but no one allowed that, and because of my birth, as the heavenly emperor’s firstborn from another woman, even if I had his blood, I was never accepted in the heavenly realm either. My title was the Night Immortal, one of their coveted positions, but truthfully, the only one who talked to me was my brother, Xufeng, the brightest light in their realm. . . ( He sighs deeply before continuing. ) And I never could spend too much time with him without Her interfering because I had to be slighting his rank or worse, scheming for his throne . . . ( He chuckles shortly, swallowing the bitter taint in his mouth, controlling that darkness just under the surface. )That which I never considered until she broke all vows between us . . . ( He chuckles again, quieter, a faint break in his voice. )

I don’t know if this makes any sense. It’s not easy put it into words.

[ But for some reason, he wishes to share at least a part of it with Xingchen. He’s not sure why. He hasn’t ever done so before. Not even with Jinmi or Xufeng.

It escapes him that it may be for the same reason that he allowed his friend to carry him on his back. ]

( at first, xingchen isn't entirely sure what's happened. one moment, runyu's walking along beside him - the next, he's rushing ahead a few steps to come abruptly to a stop. the very ears which inspired this conversation catch a deep, bracing breath.

he's stopped in the sunlight, xingchen realizes as he closes some of the gap which runyu has forged, feels a flicker of diffused warmth across his face. and so he allows his friend the patch of sun all his own, slowing to an unobtrusive stop of his own in the shade just a couple of steps short of properly catching up.

'it seems only fair that i share some of mine.' ah. it makes sense now, the way that runyu steels for something unpleasant - and though xingchen's mouth opens with every intention of assuring the man that it isn't necessary, more words come before he's able. so he shuts it again, concern flickering across his features before he wills that away in favor of simply... listening. to the metaphor of fish and dragon (little does he realize it's hardly metaphor at all), of a heavenly emperor and runyu's contested position as that emperor's son. a matter of bloodlines, of course. isn't that always the way? he himself has met far too many who've feel prey to supposedly-incorrect bloodlines among his own realm's gentry, as if such a thing truly matters in the face of diligence, merit, and virtue. ten years as a daozhang and not once did a single person ask after xiao xingchen's lineage to decide whether or not he was worthy of respect.

but of course, this isn't about him, nor his realm. runyu speaks of being the 'night immortal', and if he's still looking at xingchen, he might very well see a flicker of a smile, something adjacent to recognition but not quite. (it's nothing worth interrupting the story for, of course. simply the observation that the both of them were named after the night sky, both his title and name itself in xingchen's case.) the rest of the tale is unfortunately outright predictable in nature - which isn't to diminish it at all. on the contrary, it echoes the same tragic injustice that he has long since learned to ache for but never quite manages to grow numb to. the lives of actual people who've done nothing but dare to try and to hope, thrown coldly to the wolves for the simple inconvenience of their existence. for power, power which one who can stomach such cruelty doesn't even deserve to have.

'i don't know if this makes any sense. it's not easy to put into words.' ) It does. ( the answer comes without missing a beat - and while it isn't sharp or harsh, it's also not quite the benignly listening sort of 'it does' that runyu may have expected. a moment's pause, then he steps up beside the man with intent to continue on, a hand lifting to rest on the back of his shoulder for a moment in a wordless 'let's keep going'. actual words are saved for more important matters, like - ) When I was quite a bit younger, I had a friend whom I traveled with. Another daozhang - and in fact, he was the one who first taught me to be one, myself. ( a little shake of his head, dismissing the brief aside to return to the point at hand. )

We talked quite a bit about forming a sect based on shared ideals, and the drive to create a better world. Bloodlines or family wealth were irrelevant, as were all of the gentry's political games. ( he'd like to think the relevance to what runyu has shared is quite apparent, considering how frustrated a person likely is with something if they've shaped their life's goals around disavowing it. ) Perhaps I wasn't born tangled amidst the web as you were, but even I never quite managed to escape it. So know that I understand. ( well enough to be slightly (protectively) angered on runyu's behalf, just to know that it wounded him too. wounded him worse, no doubt. not that any of this brief moment of anger has made its way into his tone - he's careful of that, careful not to make his friend think he's made a mistake in sharing. )

[ Runyu clenches his hands with another short chuckle, banishing a tear that’s escaped in the tiny confession he’s brought on himself. There is much he hasn’t spoken of and even more that he hasn’t confessed to within his short tale, but telling that has already disturbed his equilibrium. It’s in the stiffness of his shoulders and the spike of pressure in between his brows. Some pressure has eased with the telling but the details underneath once again threaten to strangle his whole being as they have before. Closing his eyes, Runyu can do little but focus on his friend’s words, and the small relief offered there, locking that ominous pain back behind his walls and sentencing himself to another wait because of his weakness. Swallowing, he lifts his head to the warm sunlight above, squinting against the vibrant glare that is so far from his usual domain and passing a few moments in silence. Lowering his gaze with a small shake of his head, he turns to Xingchen and folds one hand behind his back. ]

To be honest, my friend, I’m not surprised. It’s nearly impossible to escape that world or to have any part of its schemes. Even if it’s someone like you who has chosen to put the aesthetic above worldly concerns, or someone who makes an active choice to turn a blind eye to it … Even they can’t walk far enough that its shadow doesn’t reach at least one part of his life.

[ He takes another breath, less labored. ]

That world was my birth and my curse. There was no choice in the matter.

[ He nearly admits to the trials of understanding those rules and the pain hidden underneath all the distance forced upon him, but facing that aspect of his life before his fall brings him too close to the dark truths he’s strangled once more. ]

Forgive me, I’m letting us linger in the winter wilderness. Even if it is warmer today, that’s thoughtless of me.

( even as runyu makes a solid attempt to seem as unbothered by the topic at hand as humanely possible, there's no subtlety in the tension which courses through every inch of the man walking beside him. as hypocritical as it may be, xingchen can't help but wonder why it is that he's doing this to himself. why he's speaking of things that distress him at a time when he already isn't at his steadiest. and he also can't help but wonder if it wouldn't have been more merciful to allow his prior words to reach the air after all, to assure his friend that it wasn't necessary to reciprocate. that wasn't why xingchen had offered. his own confessions are hardly a debt that courtesy should compel runyu to repay.

(it's not impossible that his friend sincerely wished to share, even as much as it pains him. that option hasn't been discounted. but the worry that runyu is wounding himself over what seems fair at a time like this is too vivid to simply trust such a thing is true.)

then comes the deflection buried in one more layer of courtesy, and xingchen shakes his head. ) We've both allowed it, and we're surely both colder to show for it. ( there's a lighter note of something like humor to it, to lift some of the weight of the topic from runyu's chest. perhaps this way he'll be able to breathe just a little bit easier. and he's walking again, of course, continuing off toward home.

after a couple of steps, ) It seems a bit simpler, perhaps, if we don't fuss with such things as 'fair' at times like these. I share because I don't mind doing so, and because doing so hurts me no more deeply than keeping it to myself. I hope you understand that no debt is owed simply because I've done so. ( a beat, and - ) In truth, I'd prefer such things be out in the open between us rather than knowing you're swallowing down your questions to ruminate over later. One more thing that seems simpler, I suppose.

( one step, then another. considering leaving it there. but, ) There's no need to ask after anything now, of course, if you'd prefer we speak of kinder things. But if anything does come to mind, anything you've wondered over, we have quite a walk ahead of us. ( that would certainly be one way to fill some of it. )

[ Runyu looks on as Xingchen takes a few steps ahead and doesn’t rescind releasing him from any further tale. There’s a small reprimand for harming himself under his courteous move but it only serves as a deeper balm to Runyu’s tattered psyche after revealing a facet of the pain strangling the deeper parts of his soul. Although there has been one other who has tried to reach him in this manner, this offer has no expectations attached. No demand even of himself. The weight on his shoulders settles. Releasing a low chuckle, he takes a few strides to catch up.]

I will make tea when we return home.

( this time, when the other man slows to fall behind, xingchen maintains his steady pace to allow the moment of privacy (or something adjacent to it). and sure enough, runyu catches up with him soon enough, pulling up beside him to keep pace once again.

xingchen offers a little 'welcome back' sort of smile, but otherwise leaves the heavier topic and his concern over runyu's own trouble with it behind them. 'i will make tea when we return home.' ) I can start a fire, as well. ( the fireplace isn't often used, since the house retains heat far better than the coffin house ever did, but this seems like a 'tea by the fire' sort of evening. perhaps that might ease some of the chill out of xingchen's bones. )

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