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[daozhangs]

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Unspoken Words from the Heart -- Backdated to January 16 (Doppleganger Event)

[fishfairy]

Context

[ When pain subsides and he uncurls from his fetal position to find a figure standing before him on the other side of the room, Runyu’s mind fills with fatalistic thoughts. Turning his head away, his hands clench into fists. He's not ready to walk with another ghost from his past. The hollow emptiness left in the wake of his scars still swallow him up. ]

( A voice, all too familiar, calls over, the temperance in the tone stalling Runyu's panic.) Runyu, it’s alright.

[ Runyu’s head snaps upwards, eyes narrowed as fear turns to brooding suspicion.

However, a figure in blue robes only smiles and bows to him, his hair tied back with a simple white tie and a plum branch hairpin the emperor had almost forgotten. And when he rises, the figure’s eyes shine with warmth and patience.

Runyu stares, swallowing thickly, at the man — at the Night Immortal who has not allowed the darkness of immortality in to darken the soul that always watched the stars. ]

———

[ Runyu can not ignore this version of himself, nor can he bring himself to engage with him directly. Fortunately, that doesn’t seem to bother his doppleganger. In fact, after explaining that he will do Runyu no harm as long as he exists with him, the other version, Li (as they’ve agreed to call him) turns to exit their room.

Runyu dashes out after Li the moment he’s no longer in his sight, only able to hesitate for a moment before following. An awful pit of dread coils in his stomach, fearing the end even as the warm beginning unfolds before him. Still caught in the terror and suspicion that the darkness brought back into him after another glimpse of war.

Runyu doesn’t get far though. He’s rooted to the spot, to his bedroom’s threshold, when the doppleganger — when Li embraces Xingchen as he’s exiting his own room. Although, it is the words that echo in their small cabin that leave Runyu speechless. ]

I know I don’t make it easy for you, dear friend, but I don’t know how I could have adapted to life again without you.

[ Runyu takes a step back so he may listen but he’s separate. It’s a simple thing, blending in with his light green robes.

Those words are the fervent praises Runyu’s longed to give voice to for his friend but has yet been able to completely set free from the confines of his nightmares. The ability to say so much without worrying that he’s gone too far or will never be able to unsay them again — to embrace life in all its shades and let the silver lining shine through — is one he no longer possesses.

After the anguish from November, he acknowledges this. He understands that he may wish to breathe easier around Xingchen but there are still chains holding him back. He’s not yet at rest.

He reaches for the necklace and wonders if such a blessing would have been necessary. Would his double, Li, wear it as well? Perhaps, with his weakness, Runyu covets the necklace all the more, selfishly wishing that Li does not. ]

[daozhangs]

( meanwhile, an unprompted hug is perhaps the last thing which xingchen expected upon departing from his room this morning. in fact, he hears runyu's movement nearby and by reflex prepares to navigate out of his way, assuming he's crossed into his friend's intended path by mistake.

instead, arms wrap around him and draw him into an embrace - and there's a moment where xingchen stills, brow knitting faintly, arms lifting halfway to hover in mild bemusement in the nebulous stage before proper reciprocation. but runyu (for he still thinks that this is runyu, of course, why wouldn't he?) has started to speak, soft kind words of gratitude and conciliation, and it gives xingchen just enough time to gather his bearings: first a quiet exhaled grin, then his arms lift to return the embrace more properly now. )

There's no need for that, ( he offers, a half-hearted and vaguely flustered deflection with far too much warmth to carry any weight. after a couple of moments, he draws back just enough unwrap one arm from around his companion and set a light hand on the man's upper arm instead. ) Is everything alright? You're... in especially good spirits today, ( he can't help but ask, the latter bit taking on a note of humor (he knows how contradictory it is, 'is everything alright? you're unusually happy'). )

[fishfairy]

[ A light laugh escapes Li’s lips at Xingchen’s astute inquiry, recognizing the tentative probing behind his greeting without further acknowledging it. Not yet. He understands all too well that speaking as Runyu can be perceived as a lie if he allows himself to continue in this guise too long, but in Li’s mind, there are some details in life that are as important as the standards behind righteous propriety. Neither Li nor Runyu were strangers to these details in spite of the lack of attention from his caretakers. They would not learn of such nuances from the Empress’ beatings nor would their father notice them long enough to even reference examples to be found in the heavenly library. That being said, both had gleaned enough from observation of the lower realms and spending time with their brother, details that had existed since before Jinmi appeared in their lives. ]

Does there need to be a reason for it? ( Li inquires in turn as he releases their friend. ) Sometimes one realizes that the sun is brighter even if he has viewed the sight for a long while. Sometimes … it takes time to recall the beauty that has always been there before them.

[ Or to speak of what matters most.

Li allows a pause there. Truthfully, observation can only carry him so far. He can’t help but worry that his comparison of nature is too vague. And despite Xingchen’s warm reception, he doesn’t wish to tread far so soon. He is not the only one who should be allowed to speak their mind with this opportunity.

Runyu rests against the door, fingers smoothing over the carved symbol and subconsciously keeping his heartbeat even. Steadying this moment of calm, not breaking into it but trying to find a balance he himself can follow through it. ]