daozhangs | ic inbox, ryslig.

You wouldn't kill a daozhang.

( whether or not he sees himself as such, he knows that jiang wanyin still does. but, of course - )

But I do understand. ( xingchen's not sure he would've been able to be around people either, had he survived the revelation. ) I will keep you company here, if you'd prefer it, for as long as you'd like.

Just know that I'm leaving my door unlocked this evening in case you change your mind.

[ He does have to smile a little at that, even through the new tears that have been filling his eyes. ]

I would hope not.

Thank you. For the open door.

For everything.

No need. You're a treasured ally and friend to me. Such things are difficult to come by, in this world and our own.

( he means to express how he regards jiang wanyin, not how he expects to be regarded in return (as a friend, especially - he has no intention of demanding such a familiar thing), but adding a caveat thereof just weakens the point being made, so it'll have to go unspoken for now. )

What occurred tonight was a tragedy. A grave mistake, but one which we're able to learn from in pursuit of avoiding such a thing in the future.

You still refuse to embrace the Fog. This means you haven't become that which you hated or feared.

[ Jiang Cheng isn't quick to call anyone a friend but he is certainly quickly on the way to it with Xiao Xingchen. Right now, he's not sure if that makes it better or even worse that someone he respects so much knows of his shame. ]

It wasn't simply a mistake. It was weakness. Failure. I gave in to this curse. I let it defeat me.

And other people paid the price for my weakness.

Did it feel like that, at the time? Like you were allowing it to take over?

Forgive my presumption, but I doubt that very much. I don't think that it left you something so merciful as a choice, because I don't think such a thing would have been able to defeat you face-to-face.

That doesn't make it better. One might even call it worse, to fight against something that ultimately leaves you unable to think to stop it - but it does mean that this wasn't a battle of strength or will that you've lost. It means that this... monstrosity, it's trickery, not combat.

It means we'll have to prepare much differently than we have been. We'll have to assume that it will take us, somehow and somewhere, and establish precautions to keep from doing anyone harm in the process.

Do you understand?

[ He's silent for a good long while because he tries to remember what exactly had happened, how he had felt, how much control he had had.

It's all hazy now, tainted by the hunger that had overtaken every other thought until it all became meaningless but... ]

It was no choice.

I didn't choose to give in. I wouldn't. I can handle hunger and pain.
I have withstood worse torture. But I couldn't control it. I couldn't think. I couldn't even control the cables anymore. Or maybe I couldn't control myself. Maybe I wanted it then. I don't know. But I didn't choose.

They were just there. Just at the wrong time in the wrong place. They didn't do anything wrong.

( no, they didn't do anything wrong. they were certainly scared - perhaps some even tried to kowtow for mercy, or beg for the lives of their children or -

no. death by electrocution is far too quick for any of that. killing those who kowtowed and begged, those weren't jiang cheng's sins - they were his own. they were his, and things are starting to bleed together where they shouldn't,

and xingchen's own answer is a good long while in coming as well. he's sat down on the floor for a minute to breathe, deep and clear, until the sudden dizziness fades and he can consider the situation again with clarity. but he doesn't stand back up, instead reaching up to claim his laptop from the table and bring it down to the floor with him. he has been pacing throughout this conversation, an uncharacteristic restlessness, a buzzing frustration at his impotence, but he isn't restless anymore. )

You held your tongue, at the time.

Ask me now why I'm no longer a daozhang.

[ The worst thing is, right now Jiang Cheng can't even remember if they had begged, or if they had, what they had said.

There had been three, a couple and a child no older than Gosalyn, talking carefree, nicely dressed, returning late from some festivity maybe? All he has are flashes. The electric sparks from his feeding cables reflected in their terrified eyes. Screams. The way they had hunched together as he cornered them and drove them deeper into that dead-end alley, the adults trying to place themselves in front of the child...

He remembers that the moment his feeding cables sank into the man's body and he began draining his energy, for the length of that dizzying height he believed that his own body was feeling more right than it ever had since his golden core was crushed.]

Then tell me.

Tell me what could possibly compare.

I murdered Song Zichen, and I'm not even positive which kill was him.

( the answer comes far too quickly this time, no hesitation, no moment of bracing. )

He lingers, lifeless and puppeted, under Xue Yang's control.

( under xue yang's control, where he would surely be used to kill again and again. at the time, xingchen hadn't quite realized what a coward he'd been not to at the very least take the time to destroy zichen's corpse before he ended his own life. )

But that was Xue Yang!

He dressed up as you.

[ It can't be. It can't have been Xiao Xingchen, who is kind and good, even if he had been terribly, cruelly tricked into being a villain's executioner. Certainly, he should have somehow known when he was killing a friend? ]

( he did what.

there are so many wholly rational responses to that - like 'would that not have occurred after my death? how, then, would i know of it?' - but xingchen doesn't entirely have it in him to prove that he murdered his closest companion, so he simply says. )

It was me.

Xue Yang has killed far, far too many in his life, but he did not kill Zichen.

Then he made you.

[ No hesitation there. No, he'd had his moment of doubt but he knows Xiao Xingchen. He may not know himself but he knows others still ~~except for Jin Guangyao and maybe the man he had once considered a brother.~~. But in this, he is certain. ]

You wouldn't have done it out of your own free will.

You asked me what could possibly compare.

( jiang wanyin would not have killed of his own free will, either. )

[ Long silence. ]

I don't know what to say.

Say that you'll trust in your own good nature as strongly as you trust in mine.

You don't get to absolve me and not yourself. I won't allow it.

I can't. I have more trust in your nature than in mine.

I understand.

( truly, he does. it doesn't change anything - he still won't allow it, this arbitrary judgment of who is or isn't at fault for what they've done - but jiang wanyin is doing all that he can, given the circumstances. )

I could perform their rites, if you'd like. ( whether or not such a thing means anything here. ) Or we could, together.

I would like that. I would be grateful. I don't know if it would make a difference to them but I feel like I owe it to them to at least try.

I'll gather the supplies. We should be able to proceed sometime tomorrow, if you're willing to linger in Bavan for quite so long.

Thank you. You are very kind.

There's no need for that. It's the least that I could do.

( and kindness has very little to do with it. too many of the same desperate and miserable threads weave between the harms they've wrought, even if jiang wanyin's harms thus far are on a much smaller scale. xingchen will likely never admit it, but somewhere throughout the course of this conversation he has become inexplicably tangled up in those threads.

he humors precisely no delusions about any sort of partnership, or even true teamwork. he does, however, know that he himself won't be finding absolution unless jiang wanyin has found it first.

and the only first step left toward that is to honor the dead to the best of their mutual ability.

the next message comes after a short pause: )

Tell me, what was Yunmeng like? In all of my travels, it's one of the few places I missed.

[ A distraction. He knows it for what it is, nobody who has led juniors on their first night hunts didn't have to learn how to talk them down if they panicked after their first encounter with the murderously supernatural. He just didn’t think he would be the target of it again at his age and all he had seen. ]

It is home. It is a landscape dominated by rivers and lakes. When they are in bloom, the lotus flowers are like a colorful carpet on the lakes. The summers are my favorite time, though they are hot and humid and when you get caught in the summer rains, you will be soaked to the bone. I miss the food and the merchants harking their wares right by our docks. I miss the night market in town. I miss waking up to the sounds of Lotus Pier coming alive around me. The treehouse is too quiet.

Thank you, I can nearly picture it now.

What sorts of food? There was a merchant at our market one summer who grew up in Yunmeng. I wasn't able to afford his fare, but I was told ( by xue yang, a nagging voice reminds him ) that Yunmeng food was overly generous in spices and I wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway.

I was always a bit disappointed, not to have had the chance to try for myself.

( even if all of this is distraction at best, he has no plans to leave the conversation one-sided. jiang wanyin will have to forgive the banality of most all of his anecdotes, he has lived a somewhat stationary life these last few years. )

It is spicy, yes, but even if you are used to bland foods you could learn to appreciate it. Spicy food isn't just hot, it is very flavorful, too. Besides, my mother's sect eats spicier food.

When I was a child, my older sister's soup was my favorite. It was our comfort food, and it's not even a spicy dish. But you'd probably be thinking of everything lotus if you're speaking of typical Yunmeng Jiang food. Soup, tea, you can fry the roots too or eat the fresh seeds as a snack. The leaves make good wrappings when you're using the bamboo steamer. Contrary to popular belief, it's not all we eat. Just give me a roast fish and I'll be happy as long as it's freshly caught, though I wouldn't turn down fish noodles or fish cake either.

[ Is he stalling? Yes. Absolutely. But it's better than to think about what happened tonight, even if he is sure he wouldn't be able to stomach any of these dishes he's talking about right now. ]

All of these things sound wonderfully delicious. Have you found any lotus here?

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